Category Archives: Venting

Valid like salid

My feelings were never valid because I was a child, conceived of your sin; born from your womb. Even as an adult to express hurt or anger or disappointment in your eyes is a display of disrespect. 

My depression was never valid in your least favorite child. You sought counselors for your son but told me I have an attitude problem.

My hunger is never valid because I eat too much in your eyes anyway. For years I trained my body to sufice with the minimum for the sake of a size, starving, losing my hair and my period but I’m never enough.

Now I’ve had enough. I think we need to take a break. Not out of spite but for the sake of my sanity. 

I will never find validation with you.

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Big Girls Don’t Cry

As I child I cried all he time; for any reason at all I cried. My heart stayed on my sleeve like a tattoo.  I can still remember my mother telling me “big girls don’t cry,” we didn’t really express those emotions in my household. Eventually I begin to see vulnerability as a weakness. For my adolescent years I wore a mask; it was hard like plastic, stolid, and very consistent.  I didn’t let myself cry for six years. Not once. Death came and went, pain stayed around for a while, and sadness found a home in my heart, sill…no tears. Now I feel like I can’t cry, not that I shouldn’t cry but I physically have a hard time shedding tears. I need a physical release for my emotions and I just don’t have it.Oddly enough, now I constantly feel as if I’m on the verge of tears and honestly it’s emotionally exhausting.

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Nothing was the same or how its supposed to be or how I thought it would be. Everything is wrong and out of place and out of order and i never thought I’d be here. But this is how life works apparently, I’ve never mer a single soul whose life went the way they planned it. But I’ve  dug myself into a hole that has no exit and i don’t know what to do. I constantly have things to do yet I never get anything done. I’m not as smart as I should be. I used to be so sure in everything I did but lately every decision I make is the wrong one.

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No you’re other friend.

I’m the other friend. We have a cute friend in the group, we have a sexy friend in our group.  The spot for smartest has already been filled . We got the one with the sparkling personality, and someone else that’s eccentric  and interesting we even have a comedian. So I’m the other friend. The friend that’s not approachable, or worth a second look. I’m the buffer; I cock block when my friends don’t want to hurt your feelings.

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Nights like tonight

Nights like tonight remind me that I need a man of God. The thermostat currently reads 20 degrees and I want to be held. Tonight I know I could easily yield to temptation; because honestly I want more than just to be held. I want to feel the lips of a lover brush against my neck and steady hands on my waist. I want someone to hold me close because they care. But I have a feeling that what I want and what I need are two very different things. I need someone who wants the same things as I do. I need someone with similar ideals when it comes to sex. I see changes in my life everyday, and they only get bigger as time goes by. I see myself growing and I need someone who will grow with me. In this transitory stage of my life I want to focus on going where God leads me and any guy that comes into my life has to fit on that path and in God’s plan for me.

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With my woes

I’ve spent most of my day carrying around a very heavy heart for no particular reason. I’ve prayed for confirmation and I think I got it this morning  so I thought today would turn out well; well it didn’t. I try so hard not to mess up at work that I mess up. I know I haven’t
taken care of everything that needs attention so I don’t really need a reminder. Today I’ve felt heavy and empty and it’s the strangest sensation. I have no one to talk to and I can’t keep my thoughts in order. I feel sad, very sad and if you asked me why I couldn’t tell you.

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I have a hard time putting my thoughts all in one place. No matter my task at hand, my mind continuously races and it frustrates me. I wish so deeply that I could just concentrate on one thing but it never happens. Homework goes unfinished, and at work I seem detached but I just can’t help it. I feel lost most of the time, I struggle to keep my head above water, while everyone around me swims freely. My grandmother told me “Vive el Presente”  live for today, with that she wanted us to know that we only have right now. This very second we cannot do anything other than what we are doing right now so do it to the best of your ability; give 100% effort 100% of the time. But when your mind races to 100 different places how much can you really give?

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