Category Archives: incomplete thoughts

No Role Modelz….except you

I find it very Ironic that one of my biggest role models wrote and titled one of his songs “No Role Modelz” but I also feel that he meant for that to happen. J Cole has impacted (and continues to impact) an entire generation of listeners. He doesn’t sway in his beliefs, he doesn’t mind sharing his, sometimes controversial opinion. Do yall remember his “Fuck the Grammys” sign, because I do. I promise that was no publicity stunt, he doesn’t mind calling out society on our bullshit, and he acknowledges his own. He was one of the first entertainers I saw, take interest AND action in Ferguson. You know were he stands on political issues because he’ll let you know! I honestly believe that he cares about the people who listen to his music. He interacts with his fans via twitter, instagram, etc. His current Dollar and a Dream tour shows just how dedicated he is. Just this past Sunday Cole was in Dallas offering a concert for a dollar (yall don’t understand how hard I tried to find a ride to The House of Blues) because he understands the financial struggles that many of us are facing. He cares about his fans and wants to make himself accessible and I think that’s wonderful.  Yall don’t understand how much Cole has shaped my life and I think his is terribly underrated. And  although many kids out here might feel like they’re growing up with no role models they can always turn to J. Cole.

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Big Girls Don’t Cry

As I child I cried all he time; for any reason at all I cried. My heart stayed on my sleeve like a tattoo.  I can still remember my mother telling me “big girls don’t cry,” we didn’t really express those emotions in my household. Eventually I begin to see vulnerability as a weakness. For my adolescent years I wore a mask; it was hard like plastic, stolid, and very consistent.  I didn’t let myself cry for six years. Not once. Death came and went, pain stayed around for a while, and sadness found a home in my heart, sill…no tears. Now I feel like I can’t cry, not that I shouldn’t cry but I physically have a hard time shedding tears. I need a physical release for my emotions and I just don’t have it.Oddly enough, now I constantly feel as if I’m on the verge of tears and honestly it’s emotionally exhausting.

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NWTS

Nothing was the same or how its supposed to be or how I thought it would be. Everything is wrong and out of place and out of order and i never thought I’d be here. But this is how life works apparently, I’ve never mer a single soul whose life went the way they planned it. But I’ve  dug myself into a hole that has no exit and i don’t know what to do. I constantly have things to do yet I never get anything done. I’m not as smart as I should be. I used to be so sure in everything I did but lately every decision I make is the wrong one.

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Lovers, friends, and Strangers

Sometimes I forget to speak to the people I love. Sometimes I purposely avoid the people that mean the most to me. I think about them and pray for them and I wish them well. I wonder if they know. I frequently worry about  people I haven’t seen since the 6th grade and that probably isn’t normal but I can’t help it.

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Sun so sweet

I saw the sun today for the first time in about a week. I missed it. I feel like I’ve just gone through the motions this week, everything felt incomplete. But today, today I saw the sun. Today I finally woke up and it felt so sweet.

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With my woes

I’ve spent most of my day carrying around a very heavy heart for no particular reason. I’ve prayed for confirmation and I think I got it this morning  so I thought today would turn out well; well it didn’t. I try so hard not to mess up at work that I mess up. I know I haven’t
taken care of everything that needs attention so I don’t really need a reminder. Today I’ve felt heavy and empty and it’s the strangest sensation. I have no one to talk to and I can’t keep my thoughts in order. I feel sad, very sad and if you asked me why I couldn’t tell you.

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2.26.15 10:15

I love to see the beauty in nature but I have a hard time seeing natural beauty in myself and I think that’s a terrible juxtaposition of ideas. I know we require a certain level of self criticism for progression and personal development, but I constantly walk a fine line, and many times my thoughts lean more toward self hate. It took me a long time to learn the difference.