Valid like salid

My feelings were never valid because I was a child, conceived of your sin; born from your womb. Even as an adult to express hurt or anger or disappointment in your eyes is a display of disrespect. 

My depression was never valid in your least favorite child. You sought counselors for your son but told me I have an attitude problem.

My hunger is never valid because I eat too much in your eyes anyway. For years I trained my body to sufice with the minimum for the sake of a size, starving, losing my hair and my period but I’m never enough.

Now I’ve had enough. I think we need to take a break. Not out of spite but for the sake of my sanity. 

I will never find validation with you.

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Like a field of grass you ground me, you hold me down with your gravity.  You give me peace; He has made me to lie in you, he has lead me to your still water. You’re not God but you’ve blessed me with your presence in my life and I thank you.


El Rey

I want you to know you’re amazing.
You’re wonderful and supportive and caring and I feel like you don’t hear it enough. I hate that you’re insecure, because I love everything else about you.


No Role Modelz….except you

I find it very Ironic that one of my biggest role models wrote and titled one of his songs “No Role Modelz” but I also feel that he meant for that to happen. J Cole has impacted (and continues to impact) an entire generation of listeners. He doesn’t sway in his beliefs, he doesn’t mind sharing his, sometimes controversial opinion. Do yall remember his “Fuck the Grammys” sign, because I do. I promise that was no publicity stunt, he doesn’t mind calling out society on our bullshit, and he acknowledges his own. He was one of the first entertainers I saw, take interest AND action in Ferguson. You know were he stands on political issues because he’ll let you know! I honestly believe that he cares about the people who listen to his music. He interacts with his fans via twitter, instagram, etc. His current Dollar and a Dream tour shows just how dedicated he is. Just this past Sunday Cole was in Dallas offering a concert for a dollar (yall don’t understand how hard I tried to find a ride to The House of Blues) because he understands the financial struggles that many of us are facing. He cares about his fans and wants to make himself accessible and I think that’s wonderful.  Yall don’t understand how much Cole has shaped my life and I think his is terribly underrated. And  although many kids out here might feel like they’re growing up with no role models they can always turn to J. Cole.

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Real Deal Holyfield

With the semester winding down and finals right around the corner, life has started moving very quickly in very different directions. I realized the speed of things today when I went to the restroom and I felt the ground shake. My first thought was earthquake but we don’t have those here; then I realized, the ground hadn’t moved, I was trembling and shaking. Unsteady and unsure of anything, I couldn’t stop myself from convulsing. I don’t know where this came from but it sure did scare me.
So right there in the bathroom stall I cried and I prayed. I prayed for myself and my family and for guidance through the rest of this semester.

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Happy Monday! 3/30/15



Always remember that YOU are the chosen one!


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Advice for the night

“You need to go out and get stupid drunk and wake up hung over, go shopping and spend way to much money, go bungee jumping, or shoot a gun. You need to find something you can get lost in”

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Big Girls Don’t Cry

As I child I cried all he time; for any reason at all I cried. My heart stayed on my sleeve like a tattoo.  I can still remember my mother telling me “big girls don’t cry,” we didn’t really express those emotions in my household. Eventually I begin to see vulnerability as a weakness. For my adolescent years I wore a mask; it was hard like plastic, stolid, and very consistent.  I didn’t let myself cry for six years. Not once. Death came and went, pain stayed around for a while, and sadness found a home in my heart, sill…no tears. Now I feel like I can’t cry, not that I shouldn’t cry but I physically have a hard time shedding tears. I need a physical release for my emotions and I just don’t have it.Oddly enough, now I constantly feel as if I’m on the verge of tears and honestly it’s emotionally exhausting.

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Pull the trigger

We barely know each other but I miss the attention he gives me. And maybe I only like him because he has an attractive face and he compliments me but for now that’s enough for me. Cupid doesn’t have a bow and arrow anymore so I need him to pull the trigger.

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Nothing was the same or how its supposed to be or how I thought it would be. Everything is wrong and out of place and out of order and i never thought I’d be here. But this is how life works apparently, I’ve never mer a single soul whose life went the way they planned it. But I’ve  dug myself into a hole that has no exit and i don’t know what to do. I constantly have things to do yet I never get anything done. I’m not as smart as I should be. I used to be so sure in everything I did but lately every decision I make is the wrong one.

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